Dear Charles:

I met this guy and we had a GREAT time on our first few dates. I thought we had a real connection. I know, I know. Not that fast, but we were really into things. And no, I didn’t sleep with him. We both wanted to, and then we both decided to wait. Then — POOF! He vanished! No calls. No return emails. No texts. Nothing! I was so confused!! What gives with this guy? Was he just bullsh*t? How can I see the signs of this in the future?

—Amanda

Hi Amanda:

The first few dates offers you a glimpse of who the person is, but you don’t really know them; you just have an impression, and they have one of you. There’s no telling what was going on behind the scenes for him: Multiple dates with multiple people, just out of a prior relationship, busy work schedule, family issues… there’s no knowing. The fact that he didn’t get back in touch after putting in the beginnings of effort, however, is a red flag. If he’s going to say one thing and then do another, it sounds like he’s done you a favor by dropping back. After all, it just takes a moment to communicate if something has changed for him.

In today’s technology-centric world, many people think they “know” someone just because they have had a few conversations (and read their profile, and Googled them, and stalked their Facebook or view their Stories on Snapchat.). But the truth is: getting to really know someone takes time… as people reveal who they are over the course of dating. The best way to “prevent” this kind of thing in the future is to manage your own expectations. Recognize that you are both getting to know each other… and some people—while nice at the beginning—aren’t worthy of a full investment.

So… bottom line is very straightforward. Firstly, someone who disappears without a trace is doing you a favor. If they can leave so easily that early, they either have their own stuff going on (perhaps from their past, which you can’t solve), or they weren’t really into you in the first place. But most importantly: If they vanish… that isn’t a reflection on YOU or your own worthiness of love. They could have called and/or wrapped things up in a respectful manner. Maybe they had an emergency… maybe they didn’t feel the connection… maybe a million things, but that is all about THEM. YOU are still worthy… and sometimes the Universe takes away what you think you want to make room for what you actually deserve.

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